I don’t like to see anyone lose their jobs. But when you’re aware that cuts are looming, honestly, who is above looking around and thinking, “What the hell does that guy do? Nothing, that’s what. He needs to go in the interest of preserving positions for people who actually get shit done around here.”

Not me. I’m not above it. I’ve been evaluating our resource needs for awhile now. No, I’m not proud of it, so stop judging me. What if you were me and someone came by your office and said, “Hey, we were thinking of organizing a sitewide bingo night, just to cheer people up. Whatcha think?” (Truly, this happened.)

Honestly, what do you do in that particular situation? If you’re me, you blink rapidly, sigh, grab a pen and add their name to your Secret List Of People Who Deserve To Get Shitcanned More Than Me.”

And then, later on, when you’re in a conference room full of people and you feel like, “This is it. This is when they’re going to drop the bomb,” you call out, “Wait a second! I have an idea that could help you, Mr. Change Manager, achieve the goals of job eliminations set forth for you by the Corporate Reorganization Team!”

And then you whip out your list of People Who Deserve To Get Shitcanned More Than Me, except, of course, you’ve renamed it. That was only a working title, anyway, and it’s pretty insensitive to others in the room who made the list. You’ve got to think about people’s feelings.

Also, it’s no longer a list. It’s a well-thought out, heavily matrixed slide deck that clearly outlines the plan. Who would want to keep a person who just made a simple list? You have to show that you add value and that you know how to add eye-catching, carefully cropped graphics and shading to presentations, where appropriate. Animation is optional, but fair warning: People may think you had a little too much time on your hands. It’s a fine line. Don’t cross it.

And, it’s a nice touch to add actual photos of the people you recommend be let go. Because let’s face it, titles can get confusing. You would totally lose your audience if someone turned to the guy beside them and said, “Wait a second, wasn’t Joe recently named ‘Transportation, Chief Counsel and Investor Relations Leader?’ I could swear they offered him that job when they decided to restructure all of those functions under the IT group…” And then you have to shift uncomfortably, clear your throat and clarify, “No, Joe made my list.”

There isn’t need for clarification if there is a flattering photo of a smiling Joe in your presentation. And not his “fat” photo, either. Be nice. (Sidenote: I once worked for a company where a high-ranking manager was forced out of the company for publicly humiliating people slightly higher in the organization than he. It got some pretty intense media coverage and media outlets across the company called for his picture. This particular guy had lost a ton of weight while he was with the company. Seriously, he went from being a Land Beast to downright svelte. Everyone was pissed at him, so they released his ‘fat’ photo to the media instead of a much newer, more flattering image. I absolutely will not do that to Joe because what did he ever do to me? Also, his weight has been pretty consistent while I’ve been with the company so the option of putting a ‘hefty’ versus ‘trim’ photo of Joe in my presentation doesn’t really exist. It’s all a moot point. A 144-word moot point, to be exact.)

And when Joe gets extremely anxious, turns red and whispers to you, “I thought we were friends” you have to explain, as gently as possible, “Well, Joe, there was that bingo thing…”

And when he gets even angrier and says, “What the fuck do you have against BINGO?” you have to very gently say, “Joe, I think you and our Change Leader – who is doing a fine, fine job by the way – would have to agree that this is really not a time for expressing enthusiasm over having ‘I 16’, wouldn’t you?”

And the people in the room who do not see their photo in the presentation will all nod in agreement, even though they are secretly thinking, “Seriously, what does she have against bingo? It’s a fun game, especially when you have a shot at winning a $15 Wal-Mart gift card.”

Who cares what THEY think? The Change Leader will be grateful to you for pointing out weaknesses in the organization that he can eliminate and then, assuming all goes well, the Change Leader will be rewarded with a bigger job, more visible job somewhere else in the organization. Hey, I’m just trying to help.  

Apparently, some guys at a GM dealership in Michigan got canned so they very logically got drunk and started fighting each other. It actually doesn’t look like much of a fight to me but that’s not the point.

From now on, I’m taking a cooler of beer with me to work every day. When the job cuts come, I’ll be all, “Hey guys, let’s stick around in the parking lot for awhile and knock back a few for old times sake.”

And they’ll be all, “Number one, we never did this, not one single time, so it can’t be for old time’s sake.”

And I’ll say, “So what? It’s free beer.” And then they’ll probably be like, “Well, in that case ..”

And after everyone has a good buzz I’ll tell them, “Shit, I thought the media would be here by now. Hold on. I have to get my video camera.”

And they’ll be confused by that so I’ll have to explain, “DON’T YOU WANT TO BE ON TV? GET READY, I’M COMING OVER THERE TO KICK YOUR ASS.”

And it’s true that someone will probably pipe up with, “No, not really, I don’t want to be on TV for fighting my co-workers because I’m a fairly educated person. Besides, I have to get home and break the news to my wife that she’s going to have to take an extra job at The Waffle House.”

But by that time I will be setting up my video camera and I’ll be interrupting them with, “Can someone help me with this tripod?” And someone will, because they are mostly very nice people who like to help out when asked.

And then I’ll go back over and get in a fighting stance but right before I throw the first punch I’ll have to say, (I know this part is true because this is kind of how things happen with me), “Damnit, hold on a sec, I forgot to turn on the fucking camera.”

Let’s face it: There is a possibility that if I get on TV for fighting fellow employees during a crisis, I could wind up with opportunities like TPFKAJ. That’s The Plumber Formerly Known As Joe, if you haven’t figured it out.

Actually, it probably should be TPWMOMNHBAPAWMOMNHPHTBWNWDJ, which means, “The Plumber Who May Or May Not Have Been A Plumber And Who May Or May Not Have Paid His Taxes But Whose Name Was Definitely Joe.” Either way, Joe went from being an out of work something or other to doing interviews on the national tax plan because apparently someone decided he was an expert in these matters.

And where is Joe today? Exactly my point. I don’t know and neither do you. Don’t be a smart ass and google him and then tell me what he’s doing today because I don’t really care. And neither do you. I thoroughly enjoyed Joe’s 15 minutes but they’re over. Lesson learned. I have to strike while the iron is hot.

This isn’t what happened but what I would do in that situation is this: Haul ass out of the meeting and put my box and pink slip on a non-affected employee’s desk so they would think it was THEM getting the ax and not me.

Then, when someone came by and said, “Where’s Alice? I need her to complete this legally-required tonnage report by 3 p.m. or our entire C-suite will be under intense SEC scrutiny!”, I would shrug very sadly and say, “Apparently, you’re out of the loop. She went on a binge again. Ten years sober down the drain. And that’s not even the worse part. When she stumbled out of here, she was run down by a police officer on a horse who was galloping to a crime scene. Her husband’s crime scene. He held up a bank and now he’s going away for a looooong time so there’s really no point in calling to offer your condolences to the family.”

 I might even cry a little but probably not because I’m the world’s shittiest actress and that’s why no one wants to play poker with me.

As a side note, I don’t know anyone named Alice or what a tonnage report is. Also, my story MIGHT come under suspicion because apparently no one at the SEC is even fucking awake, let alone scrutinizing.

It would so suck to be killed by a police horse, though. Not all of them are like “Robert the Rose Horse.” (If you don’t know what that is, it means your mother never read it to you when you were a kid because she hates you.) Some of those Houston police horses can be downright vicious. I swear to God this is true: I once had an employee who was pulled over on her way to work in downtown Houston by as mounted officer and people were like, “I saw you get a ticket from that horse this morning.” She wasn’t the slightest bit embarrassed about it but I thought it was the fucking funniest thing ever. I think I offered to pay her ticket if she would go outside and re-enact it for me but sadly, she declined. That’s because she didn’t know what “re-enact” meant. I’m actually not kidding.

Anyway, so back to the layoff meeting. The employees are told at the conclusion of the meeting that the company understood that many employees commuted by bus from all points of Houston and that losing their job in the middle of the day meant that they couldn’t go home. (That would suck, except if they had just joined Alice in the bar, maybe they could have prevented her from walking into the street and she would be with us today.) So, the company generously provided all employees with cab vouchers.

The gentleman in question arrived back at his desk and sure enough, there was a box, a pink slip and a cab voucher. So, he threw his crap in the box and rode the elevator down to the first floor with all the other drones and THEIR boxes (actually, I don’t know what floor he worked on or if there was even an elevator for him to take, bit I sort of like the image), and went outside to grab a cab.

When the cab driver asked him where he wanted to go, he said, “Dallas.”

Get this: He drove his personal vehicle to work that day.

For the record, I haven’t been laid off (riffed, downsized, separated, eliminated, shitcanned, fired). Yet. But it’s coming, and soon. This is a good time to interject that if you would like to comment about how I probably should be laid off because I’m blogging on company time, don’t overwork your keyboard. I don’t do this on company time. Because that would be a waste of valuable company resources I simply don’t have time, what with generating mass reports about the status of my current, past and potentially future projects so that TPTB can determine if I add value or if they can leverage another resource to tackle my work in addition to their own.

So, I’m doing this blog on my own time. My intent is to bring out the humor in getting laid off. Because there is nothing fucking funnier than going without a paycheck when you have a mortgage, car note and other people who occupy your home and depend on you to oh, say, provide electricity, running water and a bite to eat every now and then.

I’m looking for stories, folks. Stories about getting laid off and how you cried-laughed because it was just so hysterical. It doesn’t have to be your own story. It doesn’t even have to be true.