When your company puts out a statement that says, “We are very aggressively evaluating our resource needs during this very challenging global economic climate,” if you don’t know that translated it really means, “We have Powerpoint open and are cutting boxes out of the org charts with a couple of simple clicks of the mouse,” you probably were never meant to be employed.
I don’t like to see anyone lose their jobs. But when you’re aware that cuts are looming, honestly, who is above looking around and thinking, “What the hell does that guy do? Nothing, that’s what. He needs to go in the interest of preserving positions for people who actually get shit done around here.”
Not me. I’m not above it. I’ve been evaluating our resource needs for awhile now. No, I’m not proud of it, so stop judging me. What if you were me and someone came by your office and said, “Hey, we were thinking of organizing a sitewide bingo night, just to cheer people up. Whatcha think?” (Truly, this happened.)
Honestly, what do you do in that particular situation? If you’re me, you blink rapidly, sigh, grab a pen and add their name to your Secret List Of People Who Deserve To Get Shitcanned More Than Me.”
And then, later on, when you’re in a conference room full of people and you feel like, “This is it. This is when they’re going to drop the bomb,” you call out, “Wait a second! I have an idea that could help you, Mr. Change Manager, achieve the goals of job eliminations set forth for you by the Corporate Reorganization Team!”
And then you whip out your list of People Who Deserve To Get Shitcanned More Than Me, except, of course, you’ve renamed it. That was only a working title, anyway, and it’s pretty insensitive to others in the room who made the list. You’ve got to think about people’s feelings.
Also, it’s no longer a list. It’s a well-thought out, heavily matrixed slide deck that clearly outlines the plan. Who would want to keep a person who just made a simple list? You have to show that you add value and that you know how to add eye-catching, carefully cropped graphics and shading to presentations, where appropriate. Animation is optional, but fair warning: People may think you had a little too much time on your hands. It’s a fine line. Don’t cross it.
And, it’s a nice touch to add actual photos of the people you recommend be let go. Because let’s face it, titles can get confusing. You would totally lose your audience if someone turned to the guy beside them and said, “Wait a second, wasn’t Joe recently named ‘Transportation, Chief Counsel and Investor Relations Leader?’ I could swear they offered him that job when they decided to restructure all of those functions under the IT group…” And then you have to shift uncomfortably, clear your throat and clarify, “No, Joe made my list.”
There isn’t need for clarification if there is a flattering photo of a smiling Joe in your presentation. And not his “fat” photo, either. Be nice. (Sidenote: I once worked for a company where a high-ranking manager was forced out of the company for publicly humiliating people slightly higher in the organization than he. It got some pretty intense media coverage and media outlets across the company called for his picture. This particular guy had lost a ton of weight while he was with the company. Seriously, he went from being a Land Beast to downright svelte. Everyone was pissed at him, so they released his ‘fat’ photo to the media instead of a much newer, more flattering image. I absolutely will not do that to Joe because what did he ever do to me? Also, his weight has been pretty consistent while I’ve been with the company so the option of putting a ‘hefty’ versus ‘trim’ photo of Joe in my presentation doesn’t really exist. It’s all a moot point. A 144-word moot point, to be exact.)
And when Joe gets extremely anxious, turns red and whispers to you, “I thought we were friends” you have to explain, as gently as possible, “Well, Joe, there was that bingo thing…”
And when he gets even angrier and says, “What the fuck do you have against BINGO?” you have to very gently say, “Joe, I think you and our Change Leader – who is doing a fine, fine job by the way – would have to agree that this is really not a time for expressing enthusiasm over having ‘I 16’, wouldn’t you?”
And the people in the room who do not see their photo in the presentation will all nod in agreement, even though they are secretly thinking, “Seriously, what does she have against bingo? It’s a fun game, especially when you have a shot at winning a $15 Wal-Mart gift card.”
Who cares what THEY think? The Change Leader will be grateful to you for pointing out weaknesses in the organization that he can eliminate and then, assuming all goes well, the Change Leader will be rewarded with a bigger job, more visible job somewhere else in the organization. Hey, I’m just trying to help.
